Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to secretly marry a brooding hot guy with a better accent who sings about new shoes. And you know what? We’re not getting married in secret. Actually, we’re going to get married in your bedroom while you’re sleeping so that when you wake up, you and your new wife will look your worst. And and and, you know how your wife is younger than me? Well, my new shoes crooner is younger than you! By like three generations. Sure, maybe he’s not as charming and funny as you are. And maybe he doesn’t have that rare ability that you, and like only 2 percent of the world possess, of being self-aware on both sides of your humor. Just like my intended, your new wife probably lacks that ability, too. But, if you can sacrifice that necessity in your partner, than I can, too. So now you can suck it because I’m going to be Mrs. Amanda Stern Nutini instead of Mrs. Amanda Stern Ferguson. Although, truth be told neither sound too good and I’d just prefer to keep my name if it’s all the same to you.

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