I have a cold and I am mopey.

When you have a cold and you are mopey, you are supposed to watch Jay Leno being interviewed by Oprah. Jay Leno is one of my least favorite entertainers in the entire world. I dislike him more than I dislike the idea of naming my firstborn, Sin Queso. Jay Leno is a smug, slow-wit who has so little depth and dimension he thinks he has actual charm. You know who has actual charm? Craig Ferguson. You thought I was going to say Conan. Yeah, yeah Conan has charm, but I’m not playing for “Team Coco” (whatever the hell that means). I’m not on Team Coco. In the late night wars, I am, and will always be, on Team Ferguson. (Though, I must admit that Jimmy Kimmel is starting to grow on me).

Out of the entire hour on Oprah the one thing that stands out is this line:

“I am a stand-up comedian who happens to have a television show.”

Really? Jay Leno is a stand up? For shizzle? For really? For money? Actual, real live, hard-earned money? Fo rizz? For rozzie razza drizzle? Because I thought that if you were a stand-up comic, you had to, ya know, have some comic chops. Have you seen this video of Jimmy Kimmel on Jay Leno’s show? If not, watch it here…

Okay, so now you’ve seen it and you can understand why I’m rightly confused. A stand up comic is quick-witted, sharp enough to not only sustain some blows, but nimble enough to throw out his own. But, no – Leno is not capable of such a thing. He just stood there like someone’s annoying shticky uncle, redistributing his discomfort in his fidgety fat legs while Kimmel brilliantly took him down. Leno is, sadly, a dated comedian, a comic possessing “shtick,” and lacking wit. He’s borscht belt. As relevant as a Betamax.

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