Despite surely being chained to the New Yorker drafting tables 20 hours a day, Drew Dernavich took some time out of his pre-show schedule to contemplate a cartoonist’s breakfast for us here at the HERS blog. Read on, and be sure to come see Drew with Carolita Johnson and Liza Donnelly at Joe’s Pub on May 5th!

It’s a well-established fact that construction workers eat bacon for breakfast, and Wall Street types eat bagels. Cartoonists, on the other hand, eat cereal. But cartoonists are peculiar, finicky people, and there are millions of kinds of cereal. So what are my requirements for a cereal that will give my morning a good kick in the face?

Here’s a starter list:

1. It must go well with coffee, naturally.

2. It must stay crunchy in a bowl full of milk or tears.

3. It must interact with the milk and turn it some kind of color, even if it is not a color that occurs in the natural world.

4. Good titles for a cereal: “Captain,” “Cap’n,” “Count,” “Jumbo.” Bad titles: “Uncle,” “Vice President,” “Alleged.”

5. The name of the cereal must not merely be a list of ingredients, as in “Dried Fruit Sticks and Bran Pods.” Just call it “Mack n’ Zack’s Quik Quaks.”

6. I like the box to have an action picture of somebody eating the cereal, preferably with a big goofy smile. This is my preference for all products, and I don’t care if it’s Lucky Charms, Fritos, or Preparation H.

7. I like the nutrition information to be printed on every individual piece of cereal, because one day you get a bowlful of the light cardboardy thingies, and then the next day you get a bowl full of the heavy shriveled up fake blueberries which were at the bottom of the box, and that can’t be the same thing.

8. Leave the serving size blank. I’ll fill it in when I’m done.

9. The Cartoon Cliffs Notes for Tess of the d’Ubervilles is not a “toy prize.”

10. It must be able to be eaten on-the-go. Cartoonists don’t ever go anywhere, as a rule, but we do pace back and forth in our homes and apartments, and we like a cereal that can be held in a tightly closed fist without it dripping.

So, you’re asking yourself, what brand of cereal could possibly fit all of these criteria? Sadly, there is none. It’s strictly toast for breakfast, until further notice.

Thanks, Amanda, and hope to see everybody out at Joe’s Pub!

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