1. Are you a hummer?
Absolutely not. (I must confess that upon seeing this word now, I always think of Clinton, which is both unfortunate and odd.)2. Do you have Irritable Bowel Syndrome?
No again.3. Do you have a hair maintenance routine that lasts more than ten minutes and involves more than two products?
No. It involves a brush and a hair band.

4. Are you on any medication?
Not a thing. I’m robustly healthy. Is this going to work against me?

5. Can you bring extra?
I guess the answer to my last question is “yes”…

6. Will you pine incessantly for your boyfriend/girlfriend, talking to them on the cell phone when you should be concentrating on the road, both hands on the wheel, please!
No. I left my boyfriend here in Michigan for two years while pursuing a Master’s degree in Georgia, and an additional four years while earning an MFA, and then teaching, in Pennsylvania. I’m quite self-sufficient, and I don’t even own a cell phone, so the “hands on the wheel” thing shouldn’t be an issue at all.

7. Do you have any friends?
Yes, a handful of wonderful people. In this department, quality trumps quantity for me.

8. Were you popular in high school?
Dear God, no. I was in band. I played the trombone. Need I say more?

9. Foot odor?
Is this about my tolerance to it or my hygiene? If it’s the latter, my feet smell fine, except maybe after a run. But that usually immediately precedes furious bathing.

10. Do you have a trust fund?
No. My parents convinced us that we were poor, and they’re sticking to their story, despite the fact that they had a retirement home built with an indoor pool. Seems fishy to me, but they’ll never crack.

11. Can I have some?
I’m a free-lance writer and editor; I got that whole “can’t get blood from a rock” thing going financially. But if I had it to give, and you had something I wanted, I’d certainly consider sharing.

12. Do you listen to Journey, Yes, or Jethro Tull?
This feels like a trick question. The truth is, I used to listen to Journey, years ago, when parachute pants and synthesizers were “in,” and I dated a guy in high school who was pretty into Yes, but I haven’t really (by choice) listened to any of these guys in quite some time.

13. Do you have any strange fascinations with Jesus?
As an atheist, I’d have to offer up a big no here. Though I’m amused at products on the market that cash in on Jesus, including bumper stickers that just beg me to honk to express my love and acceptance of Him into my evil little heart, I’m not a fan.

14. Do you know how to read a map?
Yes, if there’s enough light.

15. Do you know how to drive?
Yes. I’ve been driving for sixteen years now.

16. Do you own a car?
Yes. It’s a cute little thing that gets me where I need to go.

17. Did you grow up in New Jersey?
Do you mean to link this with #15? After living in Pennsylvania a few years, I got pretty good at spotting a Jersey driver a mile away. But the answer’s no; I grew up in Michigan, an hour outside the Motor City.

18. Do you have a website and you will be wanting to stop at every Internet cafe to “upload”?
I’m such a Luddite that I don’t even have a cell phone. A website’s entirely out of my league.

19. Are you on Friendster?
Since I don’t know what that is, I’ll say no.

20. Do you Jdate?
If I were single, I definitely would if I could get away with it, though I’d probably get into some trouble, since I’m not Jewish. (My boyfriend is, though, and over the years, I’ve noticed that the people who respond to me immediately, and most positively, are Jewish, particularly Jewish men. That whole “shikse-peal” thing in action, I guess.)

21. Are you older than 18?
32, and while it might take our current president a while to do this “fuzzy math,” by my calculations, I clear the cut-off by a healthy margin.

22. Has anyone accused you of being pretentious?
No one in my foreign film wine-tasting club thinks I’m in the least pretentious.

23. Do you suffer from small bladder syndrome and if so, are you averse to wearing a diaper?
I’m practically a camel. If you want to have contests of who can wait out the longest on the road, I’m more than game. I usually don’t stop unless the car’s running out of gas.

24. Why do you want to do this?
I’ve just spent the last few months writing a book on Jack Kerouac for Chelsea House, a publisher based in Philadelphia, and between the isolation necessary to do this level of research and writing, and the focus on energetic wanderlust for which this writer’s famous, I’m craving the opportunity to do something a little different. Something to shake things up a bit. I got burned out on teaching in Pennsylvania, where I taught composition classes, and immersing myself in the Beats has required me to be buried in testosterone for quite some time. A trip like this, I think, would be a great release for me, and I think, based on this quiz, among other things, that we’d get along well. I’m just weird enough to think that, as you suggest, this WOULD be fun.

 

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